With nothing else to do but think during my “dark times”, I eventually came up with visuals for what I thought Depression looked like. This seemed to help me understand that my depression was not necessarily me. Instead it was something that I could accept and later even overcome.
Picture anything that’s a shape of a circle. Maybe, a ferris wheel thats lit up really pretty at night. The people on it are laughing, smiling, taking pictures…
Or how about a clock? Or one of those really cool, colorful, swirly lollipops that are surprisingly disappointing to taste? Whatever it may be, the point is a circle is round and there’s no ending. No matter how you look at it or try to imagine there being an end, the circle just keeps going.
You feel trapped on this one-way road that you somehow got put on without even noticing. You pass by your friends and family. They’re happy, enjoying each other’s company. Enjoying life. And you’re stuck without any way to join them. The worst part is, you’re not even sure that you want to.
Ugh, how I hate the cloak. If it were real I would’ve torn it up and burned it a long time ago. Very aggressively I might add.
This cloak is heavy and strong. It hovers and follows you wherever you go. Your shoulders ache from this ton that just won’t let you breathe. During the day you tug at it, trying to pull it off. Some days you succeed. But not for long. Come to find out it was never gone, it was just a couple of feet away from you…waiting, because it knew you’d get cold eventually.
If you are lucky enough to have support during your journey like myself, you also may know about the void. The numbness you feel even as your loved one is saying all of the right things. The hollowness. And you may try hard to hear them but you just can’t seem to really hear them.
Then the guilt sets in.
“How could I do this to them?”
“Why am I like this?”
“They deserve better.”
I wish there was some magical answer to helping everyone in this world feel good enough. To feel that they deserve the best and never to question it. If only it were that simple. The best advise I can give you, is this..
Allow time to pass without hesitance. Give it space. And let it travel so smoothly that you forget it exists. Until one day you wake up and realize that the circle, the cloak and even the void, is in your past and you’re now living in your future.